One day, Mother Earth got drunk. Daughter Earth, who's having SPM this year, approached Mother Earth.
"Mom! Have you been drinking again?!"
"Yes! I-- Yes!"
"What have you been drinking?!"
"Margarita, mamasita. Ah ahah ahah! Haa..."
"Mom, what about the people? You're suppose to take care of the earthlings."
"Fuck the Earthlings, son--"
"I'm your daughter..."
"--did you know that they're killing the trees, like, shitload of trees? It's unbelievable! I'm not loved anymore! Hundreds of years ago I was worshiped! Like Madonna. Now I'm old and hated! Like Madonna."
"But Mom, it's your responsibility to take care of the earthlings. You have to do what you were made to do."
"--I have done all I can to make the Earth a nice place. I have provided the Earthlings with nice air to breath. And they made factories and deteriorates the air. I've provided them with the ocean, and they spilled oil all over it."
Mother Earth started to weep. "Have you seen the ocean? It's fucking beautiful! I mean, seriously, can anyone make an ocean like I do? No! It's fucking beautiful, man! I put little seagulls and little fishies and fucking turtles! Baby turtles are cute! And the Earthlings fucking ruin it! FUCK THE EARTHLINGS, man! Fuck 'em!"
"I love you."
Mother Earth stopped weeping.
"When I was 14, I lost my virginity to your father's brother."
"Mom! What?! Come on!"
"He was hot. He's like if Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt and Edward Cullen had a threesome, and they had a baby, that baby is your uncle."
"Mom, stop all this drinking."
"You are my world, daughter. I don't care about the Earthlings. I care about you. Earthlings can eat shit for all I care. You're my world."
Mother Earth hugged Daughter Earth. They cried. Mother Earth made a promise to focus entirely on Daughter Earth and not the Earthlings.
Earthlings are pretty much screwed.
Crap from my brain, straight to yours.